How Things Used To Be
by aharrypotterheart
Summary: Yes, he broke my heart. To be fair, I broke his first.


I don't understand. Why would he ignore me like that? I know we're not exactly friends, but he could've at least acknowledged my presence, couldn't he? We used to get along. We used to really like each other. Hell, we used to…

"_I think I love you." Harry whispered. Draco snuggled closer and buried his face in the crook of his boyfriends neck. The smell of cinnamon overwhelmed his senses._

"_I love you too."_

I know that was a long time ago. I know he doesn't feel like that anymore, but still. He could've smiled or nodded. He could've done anything. Anything but look me right in the eye before turning away.

* * *

That brief glance I got of him brought back so many memories. Just the sight of that black tuft of hair sticking out at the back of his head made me remember things. Things I don't want to remember. Things like the way he smells. Cinnamon.

"_Draco! I told you not to use my shampoo! You use way too much of it and you know it's the only thing that makes my hair lay flat!"_

_Draco chuckled. It really doesn't do that. Harry just never looks at the back of his head._

"_Sorry."_

I had seen him in the paper of course, but it's not the same. In the paper he's Harry Potter, Savior. In real life he's Harry. My Harry.

I should go to bed. There's no point.

* * *

I never deluded myself with the idea I was over him, but I never expected this either. It feels like it only happened yesterday and my heart is breaking all over again. I shouldn't think about this. I should sleep.

"_Please don't. Harry, please… We can… We can work it out. Don't leave. Don't leave me."_

"_I'm sorry Draco, but I can't."_

"_Yes, you can! Harry! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. It won't happen again! Don't leave me, Harry. Ple-please, don't leave me! I need you!"_

Yes, he broke my heart. To be fair, I broke his first. I never forgave myself for that.

* * *

Apparently I fell asleep after all. I have a headache though.

"_Are you alright, love?"_

_Draco groaned and shook his head._

"_Headache." he croaked. _

_Harry stroked his hair back and summoned a potion before crawling under the covers himself. The last thing Draco felt before he fell asleep was Harry pulling him against his chest._

That was more than ten years ago. It was short and passionate. In little more than a year we fell in love, moved in together and broke up.

* * *

I tried to get over him. I really did. It went quite well for a while. He moved to Europe and I stayed in England. He seemed to lead a happy life and I did my best to ignore his picture in the paper. I almost forgot about him, but then he decided to move back home.

"_Is that Potter?"_

_Draco jerked around. "What?"_

"_Over there. That's Potter, right? What's he doing back here?"_

_Their eyes met. Draco had just enough time to notice how good he looked before Harry turned away._

"_Pansy? Let's get out of here."_

* * *

He looked well. Older, but less stressed out. The corners of his eyes where crinkled, like he smiled a lot and his posture was much more relaxed than it once was. He looked confident. That used to be different.

_Harry threw his bag against the wall and kicked his shoes off._

"_Fucking wankers."_

"_What happened?" Draco asked from the kitchen._

"_They keep insisting I be their poster child. Or as they call it 'A reinforcement for young wizards today'. They want me to do a photo spread for Witch Weekly. I'm an Auror, Draco, an Auror!"_

_Draco smiled._

"_Yes, you are and a cute one at that. Perfect photo spread material."_

"_Don't mock me."_

"_I'm not."_

"_Yes you are! You know I don't want to do this!"_

"_Harry, relax. It's not that bad. Just tell them you don't want to."_

* * *

It used to be good and I ruined it all. I was scared. Scared of how everything changed. Scared of how everything seemed so permanent. He loved me. Harry Potter loved me. If that isn't scary, I don't know what is. It's a stupid excuse, but 'I was drunk' isn't any better.

"_Hey, pretty boy. Buy you a drink?"_

_Draco looked up. The handsome stranger gave him a onceover and smiled seductively. He smiled back._

"_Sure."_

_He was lonely. Harry had been on a mission for more than a week and one drink couldn't hurt, could it?_

What a cliché.

I need to go to work.

* * *

So yes, I cheated. That doesn't mean I didn't love him. It was a mistake, a terrible mistake. I told him that. I told him the moment he came home.

"_I'm so sorry."_

_Draco tried to move closer, but Harry took a step back and held up a hand._

"_You… You just… Why would you…? How…?"_

"_I didn't mean to. I was drunk and lonely and scared and I…"_

"_Scared?"_

_Draco sighed._

"_I don't know. I'm only 20 years old."_

_So far Harry had just gaped and looked shell-shocked. Now his voice rose and reality seemed to set in._

"_So you cheat?"_

"_No I…"_

"_Bastard! How could you do this to me?"_

"_Harry…"_

"_Don't you Harry me, Malfoy! I'm leaving!"_

This paperwork is getting nowhere. My mind keeps drifting. Maybe I should just take the day off and go to the park or something.

* * *

Harry did leave that day. He came back six days later. He said he couldn't forgive me yet, but he would try. I was so happy., but it didn't last long. The only thing I remember of the three weeks that followed is a lot of yelling, cursing and fighting. One day he came home from work and said he couldn't do it anymore. This time he left and didn't come back.

Why am I thinking about this? I shouldn't do that. I'm only making it worse. It was more than ten goddamn years ago!

The park isn't really helping. Kids are annoying. So are dogs and bikers and just people in general. I can't even stand my own company.

I need to talk to him.

* * *

I shouldn't do this. I shouldn't be walking to his house. I shouldn't even know where his house is. (Working at the Ministry has it's perks.) I shouldn't, I shouldn't, I shouldn't. Apparently I am anyway.

"A minute, please. I'll be right there."

Shit. I really knocked. Oh, shit. The door opens and there stands Harry. My Harry. In jeans and very little else, drying his hair with a towel. Oh Merlin, cinnamon.

"Malfoy."

Harry doesn't look too shocked. It almost seems like he expected me.

"Har… Uhm, Potter. Am I disturbing something?"

"No. I just came out of the shower, is all."

"Ah, alright then. I wanted to talk."

"Talk? I'm sorry, Malfoy, but I don't have a lot to say to you."

"Not a lot to… Yes, alright, I understand."

"Anything else?"

"No, I don't think so. I just thought uhm…"

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry. I know I said that a lot, but I just wanted to repeat it because I thought that maybe you… Maybe you think I don't remember and I do. Harry, I do, I remember everything and I'm still so sorry. For hurting you and for chasing you away and for ruining the best thing that ever happened to me. I really did love you. I missed you for so long. I was finally getting by without you, but then I saw you again and you barely looked at me and I kept thinking about you and now I miss you all over again. So I thought I'd come by and see if you still think about me, but apparently you don't. You seem mad, so I should go away, but I can't. And you still use the same shampoo…"

Damn. I'm babbling and my voice is cracking. Harry sighs and holds the door open a little more. I follow him to the living room. He plucks a shirt of the back of a chair before gesturing towards the sofa.

"I never understood your obsession with that damn shampoo."

"It smells nice." I whisper. Harry hums.

"Look, Malfoy, I…"

"Harry, please…"

"Alright, Draco. You can't expect me to… I don't know, I can't… You just need to understand I… Damn. You broke me, okay? You can't come in here and expect me to like you. You broke me and I tried to forgive you. Actually I did. I did forgive you, a long time ago. That just doesn't mean I forgot and that doesn't mean I am willing to put myself through that again."

"That's not what I'm asking."

"Then what are you asking?"

"I'm asking you to look at me. I'm asking you to remember. We used to be happy."

"Yeah, I know. I do remember."

* * *

We talked and now I remember even more. Like how he throws his head back when he laughs and how he never sits straight, but tucks his leg under himself before he sits down. Some things are different though. He's less fidgety and he talks with confidence instead of the murmur he often used when we were together. I like it.

He kissed me on the cheek before I left. That's a good sign, right?


End file.
